Dealing with Aggressive People
Robert Elias Najemy
At times, we are confronted by people who seek to intimidate us.
This offensive behavior is most frequently a cover-up for their
fear. Let us investigate why we play this role and how we can
communicate with those who behave towards us in this way.
1. As intimidators we seek to control others by making them fear us.
We keep them from requesting anything from us or controlling us in
any way, by making them afraid to approach us. We do this by
shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and perhaps even
physical violence. We use other people’s fear and self-doubt to
control them.
2. When we are in this defensive state we believe that the others
are always wrong and, if they do not start shaping up, we have every
right to punish them. We are simultaneously the police, judge, jury
and execution squad.
3. Another "advantage" of playing this role is that we never have to
look at ourselves or change anything about ourselves, as "we are
perfect" and the others are all wrong.
Now, some can combine the role of the victim and the intimidator and
thus get the double benefit being right for two reasons. The
misconception here is that whoever is the victim is right and whoever
is angry is right.
Thus, in order to cope with the intimidators in our lives, we will
need
to
overcome our fear. This fear has its basis in childhood when a
shouting
parent was a real threat for many reasons. First of all, there might
be
punishment and thus emotional or physical pain.
Secondly, all our security and survival were dependent on this
person
who
was shouting and intimidating us.
Thirdly, if this person was shouting in such a belittling way, this
must
mean that we are wrong, evil, a bad child, and thus not worthy of
love
and
respect.
Now, even as full grown adults, our subconscious reaction tends to
be
fear
and self-doubt when someone shouts at or accuses or intimidates us.
I
have
seen comic situations in which a small-sized woman intimidates a man
twice
her size with her threats.
I - message to an Intimidator
A possible communication with an intimidator might be the following.
"I need to discuss something with you. You know, there are times
when I
am
afraid of you. When you raise your voice and threaten me, you
stimulate
old
fears from my childhood years. When that happens, I back down from
confrontation with you. I retreat from confrontation suppressing my
needs
and sometimes my values. When this happens I lose my self-respect,
and
feel
injustice and then angry with you. My heart closes and my love for
you
diminishes. There are even times when I think of revenge.
"With the way you act, you may get what you want from me at that
moment, but
you lose my love and respect.
"I have decided to overcome my fear and be more honest with you. I
am
going
to express my needs and values even when you shout or intimidate me.
I
would
like to ask for your help with this effort.
"I am very interested in helping you fulfill your needs. I believe
that
we
can both get what we want. I would like to ask you to express your
needs
without threatening me. Simply tell me what you need from me. I, in
response, will also express my needs to you. I believe we can find
solutions
without my fearing you and retreating when you threaten me.
"How do you feel about this idea?"
In addition to this communication, we also need to understand why we
are
attracting such behavior.
1. Are we too intimidators – where and with whom?
2. Do we fear intimidators and why?
3. Do we have a poor self-image, which allows them to behave in this
way.
4. Is this a repetition of childhood experiences – are we used to
and
expecting this kind of behavior?
5. Are we doing something that is annoying the other? (Playing the
victim,
interrogator or the aloof?)
6. Are we rejecting this person in some way?
7. Do we feel guilty about something and thus are attracting this
behavior?
8. Are we ignoring the other’s needs in some way?
9. Do we need to work on our relationships with our parents –
because
this
issue has to do with them?
10. Do we need to learn to respect ourselves more and stand up in a
loving
but assertive way to this person?
11. Have we hurt this person in the past and thus perhaps need to
ask
forgiveness?
12. Are we suppressing – controlling this person – and they are
seeking
freedom in this way i.e. Adolescents.?
What is our lesson here?
Beliefs -affirmations which can free us from the control of
Intimidators
1. I am safe and secure in every situation – regardless of this
person’s
behavior.
2. Nothing can ever happen to me, which is not exactly what I need
for
my
spiritual growth.
3. This person is my teacher which life has placed before me.
4. The other is unhappy and afraid, or else he or she would not be
acting in
this way.
5. Behind his or her angry and threatening appearance hides a
fearful
and
hurt child.
6. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can
learn my
next lesson in my growth process.
7. This behavior is a reflection an indication of the other’s
problem
and
not of my self-worth.
8. I help others see themselves and grow by lovingly but assertively
standing up to them.
Basically we need to remember our own inner security and self-worth
as
wellas to perceive behind the intimidator’s threats, his or her fear and
self-doubt. We will then be able to react with strength and loving
assertiveness.
Robert Elias Najemy, a life coach with 30 years of experience, has
trained
over 300 Life coaches and now does so over the Internet. Info
at:
http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/introholisticcoach.asp
He is the author of over 20 books, 600 articles and 400 lecture
cassettes on
Human Harmony. Download FREE 100's of articles, find wonderful
ebooks,
guidance, audio files and teleclasses at
http://www.HolisticHarmony.com.
His books The Psychology of Happiness and Remove Pain with Energy
Psychology are available at
http://www.amazon.com
click for top |
|
Newsletter
Pages
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
Submit an article to
our site
|
