Be Visible, Stay Visible: How Women Over 
49 Can Command the Attention 
They Deserve
Copyright © 2005 Susan Reimer Torn
Visibility Project


Has it happened to you yet? You make your entrance into a crowded 
room, you’re dressed to kill and not only do you fail to snag 
your prey, no one even looks up from their drink. Or unspeakably, 
they take one look and turn away with no visible sign of 
interest. This is called the no ripple effect but that’s a 
serious misnomer because a non-reception like that has a powerful 
effect: Your self image, confidence and outlook on life are 
rippled to shreds!

If like me, you were once a commanding presence and now all those 
roving eyes are on your sexually ripening daughter, join the you-
must-have-been-a-beautiful-baby, but boomer, look at you now 
club. 

You and I are not alone in our funk. The thousands of midlife 
women I coach all express concerns about creeping invisibility in 
both the personal and professional spheres of their lives.

Not long ago, the New York Times writer Daphne Merkin summed up 
our dread in a soul-curdling way: “ When does it start, this 
feeling that you have a week-2 weeks uppermost-before you become 
irreversibly old and creepy, before you become all but 
invisible,/ the sort of woman no man will ever look at again and 
think ‘I want her.’”

We may not always get our prey but we have plenty of predators. 
Out there lurk clever people, laughing at our fears all the way 
to the bank, cashing in on our willingness to buy expensive snake 
oil and undergo risky surgical procedures. While it is always a 
plus to look your best (and I’m all for makeovers, fitness 
regimes, color consultations and restorative getaways) there is 
no substitute for the powerful antidote to invisibility that 
comes from within.

Here’s the big secret: The most powerful elixir of visibility is 
something you can cultivate without spending a cent. It all 
begins with the truism that we are all visible – or not – in the 
context of an environment. AND the most influential environment 
of all is one that is actually invisible to the eye. Can you 
guess what it is?  It is the environment of your own thoughts. As 
Deepak Chopra puts it, “ our inner space is a rich field of 
silent intelligence and it exerts a powerful influence on us.”

The good news is that it is perfectly within your control to make 
sure that your “inner space” (that is the environment of your own 
self talk and belief systems) is one that helps you evolve into 
visibility rather than fade into extinction.

Limiting thoughts or beliefs, such as  “I will become old, creepy 
and increasingly invisible” are roadblocks that function as 
barriers to anything good happening. Other thoughts, such as 
“Life is no longer what is once was but it is certainly not yet 
all it can be” are like lightening rods attracting ebullient 
people and exciting events.

But what if you’ve suffered one time too many from the no ripple 
effect and just now you’ve lost your faith in your own magnetic 
powers to engage and attract? There are many techniques to 
upgrade your visibility, but one of the most fun is the Art of 
Seeming.

The Art of Seeming gives us permission to play the part of the 
person we’d like to become just before we really become her. 
Seeming allows us to transition from our unacknowledged, no 
ripple self to the woman who makes visible waves.  

Here’s how the Art of Seeming recently worked its magic for me. 
My last vacation took me to a sunny island south of the border 
where I impulsively joined some young women (including my 
daughter) for some salsa lessons with a suave and sexy 
instructor. All of the others were as many years younger as they 
were pounds lighter than I and none of them seemed to be having 
my difficulties with the seductive undulations of rib cage and 
pelvis. Sure enough, my self-deprecating sound track switches on 
- you know the one that tells me how pitiful I am and berates me 
for even trying this stuff. The more I mercilessly put myself 
down, the more I am seized up with physical tension and the less 
my body parts show any sign of loosening up in this lifetime.

I am about to run away, humiliated and defeated when I remember 
the Art of Seeming. In a flash, I am no longer a flustered 
midlifer. I am instead a well known retired dancer from another 
country. Far from bored or exasperated, the instructor is honored 
to have me spend my time learning his native dance. He 
understands that it takes a little while for me to relax the more 
classic technique in which I have excelled. He is honored that I 
am making the effort. 

My mood, concentration and dancing improve instantly. I move and 
groove with presence and pleasure to that 1,2,3, beat with none 
other than the instructor himself as my cavalier.

The Art of Seeming is one of many Be Visible/Stay Visible 
techniques guaranteed to transform you from fading flower to 
infectiously joyous vision. You will not only get the attention 
you deserve, you will enjoy every minute of it.


Here are a few more tips all of which we practice in my popular 
Be Visible, Stay Visible workshops.

1. Show up Fully – There’s no better visibility tonic that 
   really showing up fully as yourself in the present moment. 
   Regrets about the past, worries about the future make us 
   absent in spirit. Anchor yourself in something sensual – 
   a sight, a fragrance, a sound to help you be here now.

2. Choose a color – We all have a color that shows us off to 
   our best advantage. Make sure that anything near your face 
   has shades of that color. Keep a supply of accessories such 
   as scarves, necklaces, earrings, hats, handbags in the color 
   that lights you up and keep you in focus.

3. Set Your Boundaries – Objects without boundaries are 
   invisible in nature and the same is true for people. Draw 
   clear lines around your personal time and space. Calmly let 
   people know when they are crossing your boundaries and most 
   of all, learn to say no.

4. Be Attractive to Yourself – Visibility don’t mean a thing if 
   you don’t like yourself. Learn to see yourself clearly, to 
   accept all parts of yourself, to make the most of even (or 
   especially) your flaws and quirks.

5. Upgrade your Visible Environment – We are all visible-or 
   not- in a context. Design the lighting, ventilation, décor, 
   and electronic equipment of your home and office to help you 
   look and function your best.

6. Choose the Right People – We all need to be around people who 
   both charge our batteries and allow us to disappear when we 
   need to. Choose people who energize, illuminate and let your 
   light shine.

7. Be Aware of Your Thoughts - Learn to free yourself from from 
   any thoughts that are noxious to your visibility and general 
   well-being. Replace self-doubt with a scenario that makes 
   you who you want to be (the Art of Seeming) and use your 
   imagination as a bridge to span the gap.

8. See What’s Unique About Others – One of the best ways to be 
   seen by others is to let them know that you are really seeing 
   them. Take the time to listen and to observe, to respond in 
   a deeply personal way and you will stand out in a crowd.

9. Find a Passionate Purpose – Visibility for its own sake is 
   tedious and shallow. When you have a cause or vision that’s 
   beyond narcissism, your visibility will increase effortlessly 
   as a result.

10. Be a Connector– If everyone in your network knows one 
   another, venture into a different world. Meet new people 
   and then start introducing folks from various circles. The 
   Connector plays a highly visible and much appreciated role 
   in a highly competitive world.



By Susan Reimer Torn 

Are you a seasoned, seductive woman with lots to offer who is 
worried about creeping invisibility? Let Susan, Visibility Expert 
and Coach help you sustain visibility forever. Visit her website 
http://www.VisibilityProject.com  for more tips. And find out 
how to book a Be Visible, Stay Visible workshop for your group, 
company, organization - or even your next birthday party.

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