How Do They Know?  Are They Reading Your Mind?
by Susan Dunn, MA, EQ & Life Coach

Do some people seem to understand what's going on with you
despite what you say, and even when you're silent?  Do you
have a boss who can tell when you don't want to do something
even when you say you do, or a partner who calls you to
remind you about something they "know you'll forget?" or a
mother who always calls you on the phone just when you need
her most?

Do you seem to miss out on a lot of what's going on, often
misunderstanding or misinterpreting people, and getting a
lot of nasty surprises?

Do you think maybe some people can read other people's
minds, and you can't; that they have some source of
information that you don't?

No, they aren't reading your mind.  No one can do that; but
they are tuning in to a part of your mind, your brain, and
picking up signals on their radar that may be more sensitive
than yours.

It's called intuition, an emotional intelligence competency
which, once developed, allows you to pick up on all the
things going on around a communication.  Whenever two or
more people are together they are communicating, whether
they mean to or not.

How so?  Only a small portion of our communication takes
places through the spoken word, i.e., our verbal
communication.  While we are saying words (or being silent)
we are also doing things like stroking our hair, bouncing
our leg, moving in closer to the person, averting eye
contact, drumming our fingers, sitting rigidly at the back
of the chair, or pacing the floor.  A host of nonverbal cues
are taking place.  They're related to our emotions, which
are stronger than our thinking brain, and their
'information' leaks out, giving many clues to the person
with trained senses.

The limbic brain, which we share with mammals, allows us to
'get' the emotions of others.  It's why we say emotions are
contagious.  However, some people are more adept at this
than others.

The ability to get these cues is what tells you the person
isn't serious when they're being ironic, i.e., when your
secretary says, "Sure, I'd just love to take that to the
post office on my way home and add an extra hour to my day."
Her tone of voice, the words she emphasizes, the roll of her
eyes, and the turn of her mouth are some of the clues.

It's what tells you that the person you're negotiating a
contract with is not to be trusted.  If asked to explain
why, you might say, "He had shifty eyes," or "He hesitated
at all the wrong times," or, more vaguely, "Something just
wasn't right."

It's also your guide about whom to date.  "I don't know what
it was about her," one of my clients said, in declining to
meet with someone he'd talked to on the phone.  "She just
gave me the creeps.'

Our emotions give us information, guide us and keep us safe.
They speak through our bodies.  The pounding heart, the
tightened fist, the urge to move closer, and the warm,
relaxed feeling in the stomach are all signs.  They tell us
to go forward, it's a good thing; or to back off, it's not a
good thing.

Being able to read these signs from other people gives us
personal power.  In order to form a connection, bond a
relationship, influence someone, and make appropriate
decisions, you have to know what's going on.

Intuition isn't some mystical thing given only to a few,
it's something we all have.  It's a matter of recognizing it
and developing it.  We combine it with our intellect to make
wise, informed decisions.  It's experience combined with
instincts and knowledge.  It's more trustworthy than
intellect alone, and when well-honed, takes the agony out of
decision-making.

· It's how the savvy stock broker picks the stock that will
win, when everyone has the same fundamentals available for
rational analysis.
· It's how you know beyond a shadow of a doubt she's the
girl for you.
· It's what leads you to the right house to buy, or the
right car.
· It's how the successful business person recognizes the
opportunity that will make him rich.
· It's how the aspiring coach recognizes the niche that has
the market, and when to ask the hard question.
· It's how the psychologist knows when to talk and when to
be silent.
· It's how the mother knows her child is sick before there
are symptoms, and how the pediatrician diagnoses his
patients who lack words to say what hurts.
· It's how we know our boundaries have been violated
· It's how we know we need to fight or protect

The good news about emotional intelligence is that it can be
learned. EQ coaches can help you do this.  If you're
operating without intuition, your like a ship without a
rudder.

It isn't gut instinct that separates the winner from the
loser, it's the person who recognizes his or her gut
instinct and uses it.  We all have gut instincts, but we
don't all read them right, pay attention to them, know how
they 'speak' to us, or trust them.

There will never be enough data for the most important
decisions you have to make.  Your intellect can't help you
know whom to marry, what job to take, or why your troubled
teen is on drugs.  No external expert can tell you it's time
to divorce, where to go to restore your soul, or whether you
should have kids or not.

Where do you turn?  To your intuition.  Gather the data,
think it through, and then check in with the surest source
of information.  If you don't have it, the good news is, it
can be learned.  Give it a try! It will give you the
competitive edge in all you do.

©Susan Dunn, MA, EQ and Life Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc
.  Susan offers individual coaching, Internet courses and
ebook around emotional intelligence for your success and
health.  She trains and certifies EQ coaches
internationally.  For more information,
mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc   Email for FREE EQ ezine.