Relationships: Taking Care of Yourself in the Moment 
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. 

Maria consulted with me because she was frustrated about
the distance she felt in her relationship with her husband, 
Carl. He wanted to be close to her, but she didn't feel 
close to him.  

"I think the problem is that he often talks to me in a 
judgmental or condescending way. He sounds like a parent 
rather than a partner. I just hate being spoken to like 
that." 

"How do you respond when he speaks to you like that?" I 
asked. 

"I withdraw and feel badly. Then later I sometimes try to 
talk with him about it, but he doesn't know what I'm talking 
about. He thinks I'm too sensitive and that I just want to 
blame him."  

How often have you had the experience of not knowing what to 
say in conflict? Later, after thinking about it, you think 
of all the things you wish you would have said. Then you go 
back to your partner to try to deal with the issue, only to 
discover that it's too late - your partner doesn't 
understand what you are talking about. 

"Maria, imagine that the part of you that hates being spoken 
to like Carl speaks to you is a small child. Would you let 
him speak to a child like that?" 

"No. Actually, I don't let him speak to our children like 
that. He speaks to them with kindness and caring because he 
knows that I will say something if he is mean to them." 

"So you stand up for your children in the moment, but you 
don't stand up for yourself, for the child within you, in 
the moment?" 

"Yeah. I just never know what to say."

"What do you say to him later?

"I tell him I didn't like his tone of voice. But he isn't 
aware of it." 

"Right. He will be aware of it only if you say it in the 
moment. Most people are not aware of their tone of voice. 
When you tell him about it later, he really doesn't know 
what you are talking about. You need to be responding in the 
moment for him to hear his own voice. You need to be saying 
something like, ` Carl, I hate it when you speak to me in 
that judgmental, parental voice. I don't feel like being 
with you when you talk to me like that.' You have a much 
better chance of him understanding what you are saying when 
he can hear his own voice in the moment. And you will feel 
much better when you speak up for yourself in the moment. 
You will not feel so much like withdrawing when you are not 
abandoning yourself in the face of his judgmental tone." 

While Maria certainly didn't like Carl's tone of voice, her 
distance from him was more due to her self-abandonment than 
to his behavior. As long as she was being a victim and not 
taking care of herself in the moment, she was feeling badly. 
It's easy to blame Carl and think that her feelings are his 
fault, but her feelings were really the result of not taking 
loving care of herself around Carl.  

Marie started to speak up, not blaming Carl but just letting 
him know her truth. To her great surprise and delight, he 
finally began to understand what she was saying. He was 
actually a caring person and just didn't realize that he was 
being parental and judgmental. The more Marie responded in 
the moment and spoke her truth, the better things got 
between them. Carl wasn't perfect, but Marie found that when 
she spoke up instead of withdrew, they were able to deal 
with the issue in the moment. She also discovered that the 
more she took care of herself in the moment instead of being 
a victim – with Carl and with her friends and family - the 
more respect Carl had for her. Some of his judgment toward 
her was coming from his frustration over her not speaking up 
for herself with her family and friends! 


About The Author:

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and 
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me 
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is 
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing 
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a 
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or 
mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available. 

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